I have two gorgeous, intelligent, hilarious, absolutely amazing little boys. I couldn't imagine my life as anything other than their mommy. I am thankful every day that I was given the opportunity to be a mother. I love every minute of it, even when they're driving me batshit crazy. I couldn't picture it differently. And more than anything in the world, I want to share that with more children. I want to be pregnant again, for my little baby to be a part of me, to feel their every little movement. I want to do kangaroo care with a newborn. I want to rock my little baby in my arms, and watch that little baby evolve into a toddler. I want to get up every three hours for feedings, to change poopy diapers and to get spit up on. I love my boys more than life, but the one thing they can't do is fill this spot inside of me that doesn't feel whole. I literally feel like I have this huge gap inside of me, where I already love a child I can't even manage to conceive. I want to cry typing this. I cry every month when my period comes. I cry when people announce on Facebook that they are pregnant. I cry sometimes just because I think about it too much. And when I think about it a lot, I feel like I have something heavy on my chest, and underneath I just feel this hole. I don't feel complete, I don't feel like my family is complete.
My husband and I have been actively trying to have a baby for a year. By actively, I mean that I sought medical assistance, I have been through a lot of testing, my husband has been tested, I did three rounds of Clomid and I've actively tracked my cycles and monitored ovulation. It has been four years since I have been on reliable birth control though. My body is obviously completely out of whack. I do not ovulate on my own, but thankfully I do not have PCOS. The Clomid did work, I ovulated every month, but I didn't conceive. It is very likely that I have endometriosis. I have an extreme amount of pain. The Clomid intensified the pain severely. I went back to my OBGYN after three rounds, told him that my pain was worse and requested laparoscopic surgery to diagnose and treat endometriosis. He refused. He wanted me to try several hormonal treatments that would take at least a year to complete. I refused, he gave me a prescription for another three months of Clomid and said after that he would refer me to an RE. So I went to see a different OBGYN. This one agreed with me. He said that because I had done years of depo in the past and the pain just returned, he agreed that it was time to take the next step and do the laparoscopy.
So. Tomorrow is the big day. I am having a diagnositc laparoscopy with possible hydrotubation if needed. I am certain that it is an easy surgery and it shouldn't be a rough recovery. But I am scared to death. Not of the surgery itself, but of what I will be told afterwards. I am terrified of what he is going to find in there. The amount of pain that I have is overwhelming. And it's gotten to where it lasts most of the month now, when it used to only be for a few days before and during my period. I have pain with urination, bowel movements, sex, just randomly for no reason. I've read that the pain levels aren't really good indicators of the severity of endo, but I'm just convinced that it's not good. I am terrified that he's going to tell me that I'm not ever going to have a baby, that it's too bad. I started crying typing that. I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know how to walk around for the rest of my life feeling like I'm missing a piece of me. I don't know how to stop feeling like that.
And yet I am optimistic as well. I am so hopeful that he's going to go in and "fix" me. That I'm going to have this surgery, and then I'm going to get pregnant. And optimism scares me. It scares me because it seems to always get my heart broken when it comes to trying to get pregnant. Every time I have really been optimistic and really believed it could happen, it didn't, and I was crushed. I am so afraid that I have my hopes up, and that I'm just going to be crushed again.
I have a million thoughts running through my mind.