Thursday, November 7, 2013

I'm angry and I'm hurt and I swear in this post.

Yeah, I know I have been seriously slacking on this blog. Believe it or not, I do have a file full of potential posts. Recipes, Halloween stuff I did with the boys, and I did Tristan's mad science party too and it was awesome. I have some great stuff I need to share. I've just been super super busy between work and school.

But today I just need to write. And this is a blog, so I'm allowed to do that here. I've always wrote. For as long as I can remember. I used to try to write poems but I don't think I'm actually all that good at it. I don't do it so much anymore. It takes too much time, and I have precious little of that. But my mind is a mess. My body is completely out of whack, and my mind is a wreck. I need to write. I need to sort things out in my head.

I have been trying desperately to not really show how much my failure to conceive has really been breaking my heart. I am a mess, but I've scaled back on how much I talk about it, I didn't share with many people that I am on Femara this month. I was very vocal for awhile, because infertility, especially secondary infertility, is something I wanted to bring awareness to. I wanted other women to know that they are not alone, I wanted people to know that this is real and that it hurts, and I wanted to bring awareness to options for treatment that are out there. But I just can't do it anymore. I just can't keep bringing attention to the fact that I am a failute. I am trapped in a body that betrays me every single month over and over. I hated my body for most of my childhood and teenage years. I struggled with bulimia for a long time when I was really young, from about ages 11 until 15, on and off. When I met my now husband, he taught me to love myself. He loves every part of me, every bit of fat, every mole, every scar, and he taught me to do the same. And now, oh it's so different now. I absolutely despise my body now, for a completely different reason. I'm disgusted with it, I cannot process how it can just refuse to properly do something that is fucking made to do. It is hardwired to reproduce, my instincts are designed to make me long to have a baby, and my body refuses to give me that.

I had my laparoscopy on September 9th and I am now surgically diagnosed with endometriosis. My doctor prescribed me Femara and I took 2.5 mg on CD 3-7 this month. I now on cycle day 29, and I have no idea what happened this month. Per my husband's request, I did not track my cycle at all, no opk's, no temping, nothing. Just took the femara and we had sex quite a bit and now I'm just waiting to see. And I'm a wreck over it. I did it for him, and I am hiding from him how much it's really driving me crazy but I have no idea if I actually ovulated, and when I did if so. I should've ovulated around CD 14-17 based on when Clomid made me ovulate. And yet on CD 23-26 I had immense amounts of EWCM and sharp pains in my right side like I had when I ovulated on Clomid. So I don't know. I'm just waiting it out to see what happens. If I haven't started my period by the 12th I'm going to take a test. I'm just so tired of seeing negative pregnancy tests. Sometimes I wonder how many negative tests I have gotten. I wish I had counted from the beginning, and then I'm glad that I didn't because I'm sure the number would just make me even more depressed. I can't let my husband see how depressed I am over this. He told me once that it makes him feel bad, like him and the boys aren't enough for me to be happy. What he doesn't get is that I don't even understand why that's not enough. I am so damn lucky! I have a wonderful husband and we are really truly happy and madly in love after almost 10 years together. I have two amazing little boys. And yet I still feel like a piece of me is missing. It just breaks my heart to see my boys getting bigger and to know that this is it. That my oldest is halfway done with elementary school and the number of Halloween parties and field trips and volunteer hours in the classroom are all so limited. My baby starts kindergarten next year and then I will never have a child in preschool again. I will never again rock my own baby in my arms, never hold my breath as they take their first steps and I just know they're gonna fall, never get wet slobbery disgusting kisses, my heart breaks at all the things that I will never again get to do. I wish I could just move on from it. I wish it would just stop hurting. But everywhere I go I'm reminded that having babies is normal and natural for everyone but me.

After this month, I'm going to try for three more months. I still haven't decided if I'm going to call and ask him for more Femara, or just take the Clomid that I already have three months worth of. After that, I'm getting an IUD. Mirena. I'm done trying for about 3-4 years. I'm going to nursing school. I can't put this on hold anymore. I have been putting it off for a long time, and part of the reason (definitely not the whole reason) was that I wanted to have a baby first and I kept thinking I would get pregnant soon. Not anymore. I'm moving forward, I'm applying to the program, and that means that if I'm not pregnant within the next 3 months I won't have the baby before I start the program. I cannot be pregnant and have a newborn while in nursing school. No way. If I go to nursing school, when I finish, then maybe I will have better insurance that will cover infertility treatment, and maybe I will be able to afford to take the next step and try IUI and/or IVF. Right now, I've pretty much exhausted all of my options. IUI is the next step and that's just not reasonable us right now. If I just keep trying to get pregnant and failing, I am wasting precious time that endometriosis doesn't allow me. If I go on birth control within 6 months of my surgery it will be much more effective at preventing the endo from coming back, and maybe I can "preserve" my reproductive organs for a few years.

I have to move on. I can't do this anymore. My body is so fucking screwed up. My periods are all of out whack, I have had a headache for three weeks, I can't sleep half the time. I don't want my husband and children to feel inadequate. I don't want to ruin my marriage. It's like I'm not even considering that I may get pregnant before it's time to give up. It's easier to just expect it not to happen. When I think it will, I'm so completely crushed. It hurts no matter what, but it's a little easier when I just approach the situation expecting it to be negative. I don't know how to let go but somehow I have to. I can't keep hurting myself over and over. I am my only enemy, I am the source of my only true heartache, and I have to figure out a way to stop it. It will never go away. I won't ever quit hoping until I don't have a uterus anymore, and even after that my heart will still ache. But I have to figure out how to cope with it. I can't fight tears constantly, I can't think about it all the time.

Oh, how I wish I could just get pregnant.