Friday, February 21, 2014

I finally got two lines...but my heart still aches for you.

After 4 years and 5 months of trying to get pregnant. 13 months of working closely with a doctor. During the very last month that I was going to try, I finally got 2 pink lines. I took that test fulling expecting it to be negative. Preparing myself for the punch to the chest when only one line showed up, knowing this was my last chance and once I got this last negative test, it was over, I wasn't going to have a baby anytime soon, maybe not for 5 years, maybe not ever. I had made the decision to move on, I had an appointment set, and I was going on birth control. I had decided to quit ripping my heart out.

And then two lines showed up. It wasn't negative. It was positive. I cried. Oh, I cried. I sobbed. I couldn't put the test down, I couldn't stop looking at it. I'm having a baby. It was everything I pictured it would be all those times I played that moment over and over in my head. It was absolutely wonderful.

Once the excitement died down a little, after I had called my mom and my sister in law and everyone else that was important, I felt a little stab of aching in my heart. I thought of all of the ladies who are getting yet another negative pregnancy test this month. Who are getting their hearts broken again. Who are ready to give up.

I have met a lot of wonderful women who deserve to have babies, and it still pisses me off that it's so hard for them. I'm still bitter that crackheads get pregnant while IVF fails for a picture perfect couple. My heart still hurts for all of you ladies who are trying and still failing. All of you will always be in my heart. Baby dust to you all, I sincerely hope you all get to have that pure bliss that comes with finally getting two lines.