I finally got two lines...but my heart still aches for you.

After 4 years and 5 months of trying to get pregnant. 13 months of working closely with a doctor. During the very last month that I was going to try, I finally got 2 pink lines. I took that test fulling expecting it to be negative. Preparing myself for the punch to the chest when only one line showed up, knowing this was my last chance and once I got this last negative test, it was over, I wasn't going to have a baby anytime soon, maybe not for 5 years, maybe not ever. I had made the decision to move on, I had an appointment set, and I was going on birth control. I had decided to quit ripping my heart out.

And then two lines showed up. It wasn't negative. It was positive. I cried. Oh, I cried. I sobbed. I couldn't put the test down, I couldn't stop looking at it. I'm having a baby. It was everything I pictured it would be all those times I played that moment over and over in my head. It was absolutely wonderful.

Once the excitement died down a little, after I had called my mom and my sister in law and everyone else that was important, I felt a little stab of aching in my heart. I thought of all of the ladies who are getting yet another negative pregnancy test this month. Who are getting their hearts broken again. Who are ready to give up.

I have met a lot of wonderful women who deserve to have babies, and it still pisses me off that it's so hard for them. I'm still bitter that crackheads get pregnant while IVF fails for a picture perfect couple. My heart still hurts for all of you ladies who are trying and still failing. All of you will always be in my heart. Baby dust to you all, I sincerely hope you all get to have that pure bliss that comes with finally getting two lines.

I'm angry and I'm hurt and I swear in this post.

Yeah, I know I have been seriously slacking on this blog. Believe it or not, I do have a file full of potential posts. Recipes, Halloween stuff I did with the boys, and I did Tristan's mad science party too and it was awesome. I have some great stuff I need to share. I've just been super super busy between work and school.

But today I just need to write. And this is a blog, so I'm allowed to do that here. I've always wrote. For as long as I can remember. I used to try to write poems but I don't think I'm actually all that good at it. I don't do it so much anymore. It takes too much time, and I have precious little of that. But my mind is a mess. My body is completely out of whack, and my mind is a wreck. I need to write. I need to sort things out in my head.

I have been trying desperately to not really show how much my failure to conceive has really been breaking my heart. I am a mess, but I've scaled back on how much I talk about it, I didn't share with many people that I am on Femara this month. I was very vocal for awhile, because infertility, especially secondary infertility, is something I wanted to bring awareness to. I wanted other women to know that they are not alone, I wanted people to know that this is real and that it hurts, and I wanted to bring awareness to options for treatment that are out there. But I just can't do it anymore. I just can't keep bringing attention to the fact that I am a failute. I am trapped in a body that betrays me every single month over and over. I hated my body for most of my childhood and teenage years. I struggled with bulimia for a long time when I was really young, from about ages 11 until 15, on and off. When I met my now husband, he taught me to love myself. He loves every part of me, every bit of fat, every mole, every scar, and he taught me to do the same. And now, oh it's so different now. I absolutely despise my body now, for a completely different reason. I'm disgusted with it, I cannot process how it can just refuse to properly do something that is fucking made to do. It is hardwired to reproduce, my instincts are designed to make me long to have a baby, and my body refuses to give me that.

I had my laparoscopy on September 9th and I am now surgically diagnosed with endometriosis. My doctor prescribed me Femara and I took 2.5 mg on CD 3-7 this month. I now on cycle day 29, and I have no idea what happened this month. Per my husband's request, I did not track my cycle at all, no opk's, no temping, nothing. Just took the femara and we had sex quite a bit and now I'm just waiting to see. And I'm a wreck over it. I did it for him, and I am hiding from him how much it's really driving me crazy but I have no idea if I actually ovulated, and when I did if so. I should've ovulated around CD 14-17 based on when Clomid made me ovulate. And yet on CD 23-26 I had immense amounts of EWCM and sharp pains in my right side like I had when I ovulated on Clomid. So I don't know. I'm just waiting it out to see what happens. If I haven't started my period by the 12th I'm going to take a test. I'm just so tired of seeing negative pregnancy tests. Sometimes I wonder how many negative tests I have gotten. I wish I had counted from the beginning, and then I'm glad that I didn't because I'm sure the number would just make me even more depressed. I can't let my husband see how depressed I am over this. He told me once that it makes him feel bad, like him and the boys aren't enough for me to be happy. What he doesn't get is that I don't even understand why that's not enough. I am so damn lucky! I have a wonderful husband and we are really truly happy and madly in love after almost 10 years together. I have two amazing little boys. And yet I still feel like a piece of me is missing. It just breaks my heart to see my boys getting bigger and to know that this is it. That my oldest is halfway done with elementary school and the number of Halloween parties and field trips and volunteer hours in the classroom are all so limited. My baby starts kindergarten next year and then I will never have a child in preschool again. I will never again rock my own baby in my arms, never hold my breath as they take their first steps and I just know they're gonna fall, never get wet slobbery disgusting kisses, my heart breaks at all the things that I will never again get to do. I wish I could just move on from it. I wish it would just stop hurting. But everywhere I go I'm reminded that having babies is normal and natural for everyone but me.

After this month, I'm going to try for three more months. I still haven't decided if I'm going to call and ask him for more Femara, or just take the Clomid that I already have three months worth of. After that, I'm getting an IUD. Mirena. I'm done trying for about 3-4 years. I'm going to nursing school. I can't put this on hold anymore. I have been putting it off for a long time, and part of the reason (definitely not the whole reason) was that I wanted to have a baby first and I kept thinking I would get pregnant soon. Not anymore. I'm moving forward, I'm applying to the program, and that means that if I'm not pregnant within the next 3 months I won't have the baby before I start the program. I cannot be pregnant and have a newborn while in nursing school. No way. If I go to nursing school, when I finish, then maybe I will have better insurance that will cover infertility treatment, and maybe I will be able to afford to take the next step and try IUI and/or IVF. Right now, I've pretty much exhausted all of my options. IUI is the next step and that's just not reasonable us right now. If I just keep trying to get pregnant and failing, I am wasting precious time that endometriosis doesn't allow me. If I go on birth control within 6 months of my surgery it will be much more effective at preventing the endo from coming back, and maybe I can "preserve" my reproductive organs for a few years.

I have to move on. I can't do this anymore. My body is so fucking screwed up. My periods are all of out whack, I have had a headache for three weeks, I can't sleep half the time. I don't want my husband and children to feel inadequate. I don't want to ruin my marriage. It's like I'm not even considering that I may get pregnant before it's time to give up. It's easier to just expect it not to happen. When I think it will, I'm so completely crushed. It hurts no matter what, but it's a little easier when I just approach the situation expecting it to be negative. I don't know how to let go but somehow I have to. I can't keep hurting myself over and over. I am my only enemy, I am the source of my only true heartache, and I have to figure out a way to stop it. It will never go away. I won't ever quit hoping until I don't have a uterus anymore, and even after that my heart will still ache. But I have to figure out how to cope with it. I can't fight tears constantly, I can't think about it all the time.

Oh, how I wish I could just get pregnant.

Enchilada Chili

It's fall, and that means back to using the crockpot all the time! I LOVE the crockpot. There is an endless amount of choices for delicious dinners that are already done when dinnertime comes around. This week I made a new recipe, something that a friend of mine found on Pinterest and then tweaked to better suit her family. I tweaked it very slightly more and the results were simply AMAZING. I was at school and my husband snuck into it, and called me raving about how good it was. I'm pretty sure even referred to it as "the bomb".

Enchilada Chili

What you need:
2lbs of hamburger (or whatever ground meat you prefer to use)
2 19oz cans of chili (I used chili with beans because it's cheaper and we like the beans. You can use no beans if you'd like)
1 19.75 oz can of black beans, drained
1 10oz can of diced tomatoes
2 packets of McCormick enchilada sauce mix
1 15oz can of tomato sauce
1 1/2 cups of water
1 packet of Old El Paso mexican style rice
corn chips
shredded cheese

Brown the hamburger, drain. Mix everything in the crockpot except the corn chips and the shredded cheese. Cook on low for 6-8 hours. My husband was sneaking into it after 4 hours and it was good.

After it's done, spoon into bowls and top with corn chips and shredded cheese. Delicious!!

CP: It wasn't the end of the world.

At a garage sale last week a dad and his two sons were selling hotdogs, Kool-Aid and chips. My boys wanted some of course, so I gave them some dollars and they ran over. My hands were full with my newfound treasures, and I figured they were capable of carrying their own hotdogs. I sometimes forget that other people aren't used to Keegie and his quirks. He doesn't use his left hand as well as his right. He has mild hemiplegic cerebral palsy affecting the left side of his body. I would've handed him the hot dog first, condiment free, and he would've tucked it in between his left hand and his chest, then held the cup of Kool Aid with his good hand, his right hand. I forget that everyone else doesn't know these things. I was paying for my goods when I heard the dad say "Did you hurt your hand?" and I turned around to see this poor dad trying to give Keegie the cup of Kool Aid and Keegie just looking at him, not sure what to do because he knew that he would also need to hold the hot dog next. I said "No, I'm sorry, he has cerebral palsy, he won't grab things with that hand." Which wasn't completely true because he will, he just can't open it all the way up and wrap it around a cup. He does better with small objects. The father replied "Oh yeah, man, I hate when kids are born with stuff like that. I hate seeing what they have to go through."

Four years ago, I may have cried. I would have wallowed in self pity about how other parents felt bad for me. I would've felt bad for me, and my heart would've broken for my poor baby. But now, it's different. Now, I don't think that my son having CP is the end of the world. I smiled, and I replied, "It's not so bad. They told me he would probably never even walk, we're very blessed to have him and for him to be doing as well as he is." The man smiled back and we waved goodbye, but I could tell he didn't believe me really, and that he still pitied us.

But I was telling the truth. We are lucky to have Keegie with us. He could be much more severe than he is. They told me it was likely he would never walk, talk, roll over, sit up, anything. At one point they even told me they weren't sure if he would learn to suck from a bottle and that he may need a permanent feeding tube. He learned quite quickly to suck down that milk! He has continually, over and over, proved that the doctors are not always right. It has been a long hard battle, but he has taught me so much. I am very lucky to be his mom.

CP wasn't the end of the world. It wasn't the horrible sentence we thought it would be. Actually, it all turned out pretty great. Despite all of the struggles, Keegie has made me a better person and if I had the chance to go back, I wouldn't change a thing. I love being his mom, CP and all.

Cinnamon Sugar Roll Ups

Tomorrow is Monday, and my first day back to my regular routine after my surgery. I am jumping right back in full force with a 13 hour day. I have various classes that will last from 8:30 until 2:50, and then I work 3-9. Very long day. I hate Mondays. So I decided I wanted something awesome to kick off the week. These are full of sugar and butter and they're delicious. Unhealthy? Certainly. Should I feed them to my children for breakfast? Probably not. Am I going to? Yep. I bought lots of fruit for breakfast for the rest of the week, I think we all deserve a treat for the start of our hectic week. These have been pinned to one of my boards for awhile now and I decided to finally make them.

Cinnamon Sugar Roll Ups

You will need:
16 slices of white bread
8oz softened cream cheese (I took mine out of the fridge an hour before I made them and it was perfect)
3/4 cup powdered sugar
3/4 cup melted butter
1 cup sugar and 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon mixed together


I tore the crust off of each slice of bread.

Then I flattened each slice with a rolling pin.

Mix the cream cheese and powdered sugar in a bowl until it's creamy, like frosting, since that's really basically what it is.

Spread the frosting onto the bread using a butter knife. Use probably about 1-2 tablespoons. I just put a layer on, I'm not really sure exactly how much it was. I covered the bread totally, thicker than what I would put butter on toast.

Roll it up like a burrito.

Roll it in the melted butter.

Roll it in the cinnamon sugar.

Put it on a cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 20 minutes.

Yummy!! They are good fresh out of the oven, at room temp or cold. A hit with me, the hubby and the kids. Enjoy!

Endometriosis Awareness; My story.

I finally got a confirmed diagnosis of endometriosis today. I'm not sure what stage yet, the doctor will tell me more at my post-op appointment. I was told that he removed quite a bit of endo spots and scar tissue during my laparoscopy this morning. I am moved to write about this after doing some (more) research and realizing just how common endometriosis actually is, and just how many women suffer in silence.

Your period should not cause dehabilitating pain! You should not have pain with sex, urination or bowel movements. If you have these symptoms, talk to your doctor. I suggest seeing a gynecologist rather than discussing this with your family doctor. Do not be ashamed. Do not feel as though you are overreacting or the pain isn't really that bad. Your quality of life is at stake here, and possibly even your fertility (if that's important to you). Many women are misdiagnosed. If you have chronic pelvic pain, consider endometriosis as a possible cause, even if you have another diagnosis (especially if treating that diagnosis hasn't eased your pain). My symptoms have gradually worsened over time and I spent years ignoring them, thinking it was normal or that I was just a big wuss when it came to periods. No two cases of endometriosis are exactly the same. These were my symptoms, and I strongly suggest you contact your gynecologist if you are experiencing any of these:

• Severe abdominal cramps that were the worst a few days before my period started, and the first two days of my period. As time passed, the length of time I had these cramps gradually increased, until I had cramps most of the month.
• Pain with sex. Sex is not supposed to hurt! It typically hurts worse the deeper penetration is. Some women think this is normal if their man is "gifted". No, it's not normal! Also, cramping after orgasm. There have actually been times that I have avoided an orgasm because I knew that afterwards it would be very painful from the cramping.
• Sharp pains in my abdomen. In either side, or down the middle. It was random, sudden sharp pains that literally felt like somebody was stabbing me.
• Bowel issues. I would get constipated right before my period started and typically didn't get relief until at least a couple of days after it started. Bowel movements that I was able to have were very painful. Sharp pains would shoot through my abdomen during the bowel movement and then afterwards I would have more severe cramps.
• Painful urination and a "pressure" on my bladder. I don't mean burning when urinating or a constant urge to urinate as is typical with a UTI. But more sharp pains through the abdomen during urination, and more cramping afterwards. I felt like something was pushing on my bladder, almost how it feels when you're really pregnant. 
• Infertility. Endometriosis is one of the top three causes of infertility in women. I have been unable to get pregnant for the last 4 years, only one of which I was actively trying. 

These are not the only symptoms of endo, these were just my symptoms. If you have even one of these symptoms, I suggest doing more research and finding out whether you have any more symptoms, and talking to your doctor.

If you believe that you could have endometriosis, do not let it go untreated. Untreated, your pain is going to intensify over time. How you treat it is another thing you need to do your research on. Be educated! Don't let the doctor convince you into a treatment plan that you don't want to do. I did years of depo, went off it and my symptoms just returned and were worse than ever before. I did not feel like more hormonal therapy would be beneficial to me and I was convinced that I wanted a laparascopy. When my gynecologist refused, I saw a new one, and he agreed with me. Advocate for yourself! Nobody knows your body better than you do, not even the doctor.

Don't ignore your pain. There is help.

My struggle with infertility.

I have two gorgeous, intelligent, hilarious, absolutely amazing little boys. I couldn't imagine my life as anything other than their mommy. I am thankful every day that I was given the opportunity to be a mother. I love every minute of it, even when they're driving me batshit crazy. I couldn't picture it differently. And more than anything in the world, I want to share that with more children. I want to be pregnant again, for my little baby to be a part of me, to feel their every little movement. I want to do kangaroo care with a newborn. I want to rock my little baby in my arms, and watch that little baby evolve into a toddler. I want to get up every three hours for feedings, to change poopy diapers and to get spit up on. I love my boys more than life, but the one thing they can't do is fill this spot inside of me that doesn't feel whole. I literally feel like I have this huge gap inside of me, where I already love a child I can't even manage to conceive. I want to cry typing this. I cry every month when my period comes. I cry when people announce on Facebook that they are pregnant. I cry sometimes just because I think about it too much. And when I think about it a lot, I feel like I have something heavy on my chest, and underneath I just feel this hole. I don't feel complete, I don't feel like my family is complete.

My husband and I have been actively trying to have a baby for a year. By actively, I mean that I sought medical assistance, I have been through a lot of testing, my husband has been tested, I did three rounds of Clomid and I've actively tracked my cycles and monitored ovulation. It has been four years since I have been on reliable birth control though. My body is obviously completely out of whack. I do not ovulate on my own, but thankfully I do not have PCOS. The Clomid did work, I ovulated every month, but I didn't conceive. It is very likely that I have endometriosis. I have an extreme amount of pain. The Clomid intensified the pain severely. I went back to my OBGYN after three rounds, told him that my pain was worse and requested laparoscopic surgery to diagnose and treat endometriosis. He refused. He wanted me to try several hormonal treatments that would take at least a year to complete. I refused, he gave me a prescription for another three months of Clomid and said after that he would refer me to an RE. So I went to see a different OBGYN. This one agreed with me. He said that because I had done years of depo in the past and the pain just returned, he agreed that it was time to take the next step and do the laparoscopy.

So. Tomorrow is the big day. I am having a diagnositc laparoscopy with possible hydrotubation if needed. I am certain that it is an easy surgery and it shouldn't be a rough recovery. But I am scared to death. Not of the surgery itself, but of what I will be told afterwards. I am terrified of what he is going to find in there. The amount of pain that I have is overwhelming. And it's gotten to where it lasts most of the month now, when it used to only be for a few days before and during my period. I have pain with urination, bowel movements, sex, just randomly for no reason. I've read that the pain levels aren't really good indicators of the severity of endo, but I'm just convinced that it's not good. I am terrified that he's going to tell me that I'm not ever going to have a baby, that it's too bad. I started crying typing that. I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know how to walk around for the rest of my life feeling like I'm missing a piece of me. I don't know how to stop feeling like that.

And yet I am optimistic as well. I am so hopeful that he's going to go in and "fix" me. That I'm going to have this surgery, and then I'm going to get pregnant. And optimism scares me. It scares me because it seems to always get my heart broken when it comes to trying to get pregnant. Every time I have really been optimistic and really believed it could happen, it didn't, and I was crushed. I am so afraid that I have my hopes up, and that I'm just going to be crushed again.

I have a million thoughts running through my mind.